Dramatis Personae
THE GOV: The Governor of Alaska, who in no way, shape or form bears any resembelance to any real person that ever might have even been thought to live, or even be in some other work of fiction, in case her lawyer decides to sue me. Who ever 'her' or 'her lawyer' might refer to.
FIRST AGENT: An agent for the FBI.
SECOND AGENT: Another generic agent for the FBI.
THE LAWYER: The imaginary lawyer of the imaginary governor, who, because he is imaginary, won't want to sue me.
SMOKER DUDE: Some completely random guy, who represents nothing at all.
The Scene: A start interrogation room. THE GOV sits huddled inside, sitting at a table. A single dim light, hanging from the ceiling, is the only illumination. The two AGENTS are outside, looking in through the one way glass.
FIRST AGENT: We've got her now.
SECOND AGENT: Finally. It's been a lot of work - but yeah, I think we've got her. Now, it's just a matter of how much icing we can put on the cake.
FIRST AGENT: Well, lets get to it. I'll lead. You know what to do.
SECOND AGENT: You've got it.
(FIRST AGENT enters room, and sits down across from THE GOV)
FIRST AGENT: It's over now, you know.
THE GOV: I... I...
FIRST AGENT: We know about your house.
THE GOV: My husband is a true American, and built that house with the help of a few buddies!
FIRST AGENT: Yeah, yeah - and I'm Barbara Streisand. Now, we also...
THE GOV: That sports center had nothing to do with it!
FIRST AGENT: Sure it didn't. Sure.
THE GOV: Why, you... do you know what happens to people who cross me? Do you?
FIRST AGENT: Well, that actually brings up another matter we need to talk about. And, I suppose right now is a good a time as any.
THE GOV: Do you know who you're talking to?
FIRST AGENT: Oh, without a doubt. The person I'm talking to is a Governor who used her position to influence law enforcement to preform certain acts that were illegal and unethical, in order to pursue a personal vendetta.
THE GOV: And that doesn't worry you?
FIRST AGENT: Actually, no, it doesn't. Because you, lady, are not in any way in my chain of command.
THE GOV: Do you realize that I am responsible for the defence of this nation against the looming threat of the Russians, and...
FIRST AGENT: Can it, we've heard this one before.
THE GOV: ... and not only do I protect us from looming heads of foreign states, I was a vice presidential candidate! I have powerful friends, and they'll have your job! Your job, I tell you!
FIRST AGENT: It's funny how you keep bringing up things we really need to talk about. You see, there were some issues on the campaign trail...
THE GOV: You leave my children alone!
FIRST AGENT: Oh, Child Protection Services may be in later. They were saying something about using your children as political bait, and then keeping them in the limelight in order to further your own ends at the expense of their emotional well being. But this isn't about that. It's about the clothing and some of the expenses you wrote off.
THE GOV: I really did look fabulous, didn't I?
FIRST AGENT: *sighs* Lady, do you know what is going on here?
THE GOV: Yes! You're obviously under the influence of the liberal blog sphere!
(Enter SECOND AGENT)
SECOND AGENT: Look, lady, we've got you dead to rights on corruption. We've got you dead to rights on abuse of power. There were were some situations that arose that required Homeland Security to get involved as a direct result of some of the things you said - didn't you ever realize that words have power? Even ones as inane and scrambled as yours? And finally, we know about your ongoing Alaska Separatist ties.
THE GOV: I... I... you can't prove it!
SECOND AGENT: Oh, we can. We can.
THE GOV: But...
SECOND AGENT: Do you know what happens in prison?
THE GOV: But... But... I'm the governor of...
SECOND AGENT: Not for long. Why, when the jury gets hold of what we've got, when this hits the papers...
THE GOV: *sobs*
FIRST AGENT: It doesn't have to be that bad, though. We can make this easy.
THE GOV: *with some hope in her eyes* You can?
FIRST AGENT: Oh, yes. We've got all the proof we need - but we'd prefer to avoid a messy trial. All you have to do is sign these and...
(SMOKER DUDE comes out of the shadows)
SMOKER DUDE: That won't be necessary. Governor, this is what you will do. You will resign. Now. None of this ever happened. Ever.
FIRST AGENT: You can't...
SMOKER DUDE: I just did. Governor, go now. You will never hear from us again, as long as you steer clear of politics and at least keep your hands somewhat clean. If that's possible for you.
(The GOV exits room, wide eyed and dizzy looking)
FIRST AGENT: But why...
SMOKER DUDE: I do not have to answer you. But I will tell you this. The Governor became an... embarrassment to a number of people. Her continued political existance has become a true hazard to... our... party. This is the best way. Good day, Gentlemen. I look forward to following your careers.
(And outside....)
LAWYER: I got here as fast as I could!
THE GOV: We did it! Free and clear!
LAWYER: (looking into the interrogation room) I see... I see. Well, free perhaps, but not so clear. You still owe me a considerable amount of money.
THE GOV: But... but... I've lost my lucrative income from all my Governor stuff!
LAWYER: Hmmm... I've got a great idea. Let's sue the bloggers who have been writing all those nasty things about you.
THE GOV: Ya betcha!